Despairing Days
by xcloudx
Summary: Clouds having a crappy day and his past is catching up to him. ZxC friendship...maybe more. Sephiroth sneaks in.


AN: I disclaim, please don't hurt me.

Despairing Days

Clouds POV

It is near the day that I always fall into a rut, where I can only think about myself and no one else. This day was when it happened, when my life was simply torn in two and I became someone else, and not just anyone. No, he was and still remains my friend, my mentor and maybe something more. I never thought of feeling something toward him in a romantic way until after he died, when I realized I couldn't be with Tifa because all I wanted was Zack. That's when I started to realize that maybe my obsession with my friend took over everything for me.

I shuffle my feet on the grainy dirt and stare at Zacks sword practically rusting away all alone, just reminding me how long it's been since that nightmarish day.

I can't explain how I feel to any of my friends, or explain to the children why 'Cloudy' isn't going to eat dinner with them, or play a board game, or simply say goodnight to them. They are beginning to adjust to the way I am; they know it is not their fault. They know I am just a man who can't socialize, who can't enjoy life.

It isn't something I care to ask Tifa about either. I don't want to walk up to her in a nonchalant manner and ask,

"Hey… so the kids are okay with me being absent. Everything good? Good."

No, that would be silly, so I lock myself away from where they can't find me or follow me. I dedicate myself into the business and travel anywhere I can to deliver a package I can hardly care about. The people who hate seeing my face simply slam the door without giving me a tip, while others are kind and look at me with pity as they realize I traveled day and night on a bike in the rain. But I don't listen to them as they ask me if I am okay to go home and I pretend they slammed the door in my face just so I can walk away while they are talking to me without feeling the guilt.

Zack, I hate to say it man, but you ruined my life when you died that day. I rub my eyes and look past the sword sticking up in the ground and toward the city I protected…

'Maybe if you weren't so weak, he would have lived.' A dull ache in my head.

The dark voice in my mind, Sephiroth. I don't know why he is still alive in my mental state of mind, well I do it's because I fear and loath him more than anything in the world, because HE couldn't come to terms with himself so HE decides to go on a rampage and ruin almost everyones life, thanks Sephiroth. But I hate him and he haunts me everyday.

"You're welcome puppet." I wince and bring my hand to my temple trying to rub away the pain.

I shake my head as if it would clear the voices inside my mind, a headache right now is not what I need. Maybe I should go to the doctor.

'After Hojo? Never.'

Shut up. I try and block him out.

I look down where I saw Zack die in front of me because I was too weak to do anything. I clench my fist wishing I could go back in time and change everything. I visit this ledge everyday and think about my weakness and I feel the constant guilt inside my gut turning like a double edge knife and there is nothing that can cure it unless I forget …

I take out my pistol from its holster. I recently bought one at the weapon market I had delivered to. I figured if I ended up lost without my sword then I could resort to the gun. After the return of Sephiroth and the puppets that reeked havoc I felt the need for something more. Which is why the heavy black piece of deadly metal is in my hands smiling at me with a shiny glow. I look over into the direction of the bar where I am sure Denzel and Marlene are eating dinner and hope they finish their vegetables so they grow strong. I never became strong, I became a monster; Hojo made me inhuman, something that can never be fixed physically or mentally.

'Monster.'

I frown and put the nose of the gun into my mouth, my mind blank, no real fear. In fact I don't even know what I'm doing right now. I feel very rational but my finger that is twitching over the trigger is telling me otherwise.

'Please don't Cloud.' I hear Zack's voice, it's faint and somewhere in the back of my mind I know he is there. But in the front of my mind is Sephiroth and he is the one who knows me better than anyone else and is telling me to "pull the trigger my puppet".

And that's what I am, a puppet. I should listen to Sephiroth.

"Cloud… please." Zacks voice sounds hurt and anxious and his face flashes into my mind.

I groan and pull the gun out of my mouth, my hands shaking and sweat dripping down my face, I put the safety lock on and feel extremely light headed and sit down. My legs feel weak and I start thinking alittle more rational than I was a few minutes ago. Maybe getting a gun wasn't a good idea. I feel someone touch my shoulder and I jolt and look up to see no one there.

'Keep strong Cloud.' Zacks voice is clear as day but…

I squeeze my eyes shut, it's not possible for Zack to even be alive, there is also no reason to be hallucinating. Zack would be frowning at me right now if he were alive, hell, he is probably rolling in his grave right now because I was just thinking about suicide. It wasn't really suicide I thought about. It not the idea of killing myself that I like, no it's the thought of being in peace, the thought of being with Zack and Aerith. No more worries about saving the world or being a father figure or defeating bad people or making deliveries all over. I'm just tired.

Just tired.

I hop onto my motorcycle and drive away from the ledge and the further I am from that place the worse I feel, like I am leaving Zack behind. I shouldn't be living, he should! Here I am driving a motorcycle, being a supposed "hero" to the people while Zack is rotting flesh in the ground.

I head over to Aerith's church, a place I can think. Even though I think all the time, my depressing thoughts overwhelming me every minute of everyday.

A call comes in and I answer.

"Hello?"

A surprised voice replies, "Cloud?" Tifa obviously shocked I even picked up. I strain to hear as she asks me some question or other.

I sigh. "What?"

"Are you on your motorcycle?! You shouldn't be driving and talking at the same time Cloud!"

"I'm fine."

I just miss a huge pothole and decide to quickly get off the phone before I really do get in an accident. "I'm not going to be home, I'm sorry." And that's it, I hang up before she can say anything.

I can see her reaction. The disappointment, the upset look on her face that seems to be constantly there every time I make eye contact with her. She has helped me more than she realizes though, always caring and trying to make a family work. Never holding much against me, well sometimes she does but not as much as I know she can. She knows that I have nightmares and has caught me several times talking to myself and Zack and even Sephiroth. Not once has she confronted me about it, she cooks and cleans and takes care of the bar and she calls to see how I am doing. But even so, she still doesn't understand that I can't love her in that way, if I can't make myself happy how can I make her happy. And she deserves to be happy.

I make it to Aerith's church before it gets dark. The flowers all closed up, sleeping. I love Aerith's flowers they seem to be so magical and I end up feeling so at peace with myself, even though I am always angry at myself. The pool of water is still fresh and clear, probably safe and tasty to drink but no one has done that… I don't think.

I pause for a second before sitting down and rapidly untying my shoes and pulling off my socks then sliding my feet into the cool fresh water. The flowers on the bottom glide between my toes and brush the bottom of my feet sending a cold chill throughout my body. I chuckle and roll up my sleeves and dunk my arm into the water and pluck a waterlogged flower from the bottom. The delicate yellow flower glistens in the sunset glow, I bring it to my nose and deeply inhale. It's like a relaxer, I lay back on the floor and close my eyes while gently kicking and wafting my feet in the water enjoying the soothing sensation.

'Cloud, what are you doing here?'

I open my eyes and realize I'm in a very large ongoing field with Aerith's flowers,no longer in the church, Zack standing in front of me with a grin on his perfect face.

'Is this-' A low rumble interrupts me and echoes throughout the white flower abyss causing Zack to frown.

'You have to leave Cloud-'

'What?'

'You aren't supposed to be here.' Zack walks up to me and places his hands on either side of my shoulder. 'Soon, I promise.' He pushes my shoulders down and I feel myself being sucked back down? Down where though? Is this a dream?

I open my eyes, Aerith's church ceiling above me and the flowers around me blooming and stretching into the sun. I didn't think I slept that long but there was no doubt it being morning. I sit up and take my pruned feet out of the water, I didn't mean to fall asleep, and was that real or just a dream… soon? What did Zack mean?

I go to my little box of supplies and take out a towel and dry myself up before getting ready to head back to the bar, today I would at least try and help Tifa out other than moping, most of the time I can't help it but today I will try.

My Fenrir, the beautiful piece of art shines at me as I walk to it, I would never admit it but its one thing that will put a smile on my face these days, I rev it up and get on my way to the bar. I open my cellphone while swerving around a few people and quickly dial Tifa's number. While constantly looking up at the road then back down at the numbers.

'Cloud.' My head snaps up at the road.

A little kid comes out of nowhere and is in the middle of the road as I just accelerated I take a sharp left to avoid the child and wind up hitting a pothole, the last thing I remember is flying off my bike and hitting a building face first. I could have sworn I heard a loud crack and immense pain before I blacked out but I can't be too sure.

My eyes feel taped shut and my mouth feels full of cotton, a slight ringing in my ear and voices getting louder and louder.

"Please…" I find myself mumbling.

Someone touches my forehead. "I'm sorry Spike."

I reach up to grab the hand touching me, its bothering me, who is it?

"Wha-?" I wince, my own voice hurting my head.

I hear a soft feminine sigh, "You took quite a hit Cloud but at least you smell pretty." She chuckles while the other person scoffs.

"Now isn't the time for joke Aerith."

Another small sigh, "I suppose you're right. You'll be alright Cloud just relax."

I start to relax just as she tell me and feel myself drift away.

I feel alert and awake… I feel not alive but-

"Oh Spikey," The crummy feeling I had earlier with the migraine is gone and I stare at Zack who is practically hovering over me.

"What?" Confusion and fear settling in, 'Spikey', the voice, the accident. Blood, pain and screams, suddenly I remember what happened and that means...

Zack sadly smiles, "You, my friend, are dead and in the lifestream with me and Aerith and we have lots and lots to talk about."He sighs and looks at me his sad eyes turn into a stern glare, I shiver, he hasn't changed at all.

But I can hardly think of that, how can I, Cloud Strife, destroyer of evil, planet protector be dead from something as stupid as a motorcycle accident?

"Cloud," I look up. "Hasn't anyone taught you the rules of the road to never ever use your cellphone while driving especially when you're driving a motorcycle!" Zack looks ready to do me in… if I wasn't done already. Stupid kid… though this is easier than suicide. I can't even really believe this is real, my friend is in front of me, finally.

"And your suicide stunt acouple days ago-"

"Acouple days ago?"

"Don't change the subject, not on this Cloud." There's my name again, he's always serious when he uses my name.

Zack takes a deep breath and sits next to me, "You have had me worried for a while now you know, your depressed attitude, your constant moping. I'm sorry Cloud. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. "

"It wasn't you Zack! I-" My throat closes up and tears start drip down my cheeks, I cover my eyes with my hand while propping my elbow on my knee. "p-please forgive me." My voice comes out hoarse. I clear my throat trying to contain myself.

Zack puts his arm around my shoulder and shakes me alittle, "Come on now Spike it wasn't your fault."

"Please, please Zack I can't do this, I need you to…to." I turn around and grab his shirt and stare him in the eyes. "Forgive me." It comes out in a whisper as I lose control of my body as I sob, my shoulders shaking and my head buries into Zacks chest.

"Shhh, shhh…" Zack whispers while rubbing my back. "I forgive you Cloud, now don't worry your heart out anymore."

And from that moment on the stabbing pain in my gut ceased to exist.


End file.
